Make Me Laugh

Cosmo (sung by Donald O'Connor):

Though the world is so full of a number things,
I know we should all be as happy as
But are we?
No, definitely no, positively no.
Decidedly no. Mm mm.
Short people have long faces and
Long people have short faces.
Big people have little humor
And little people have no humor at all!
And in the words of that immortal buddy
Samuel J. Snodgrass, as he was about to be lead
To the guillotine:
Make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh
Don't you know everyone wants to laugh?
(Ha ha!)
My dad said "Be an actor, my son
But be a comical one
They'll be standing in lines
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines"
Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite
And you can charm the critics and have nothin' to eat
Just slip on a banana peel
The world's at your feet
Make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh
Make 'em...
Make 'em laugh
Don't you know everyone wants to laugh
My grandpa said go out and tell 'em a joke
But give it plenty of hoke
Make 'em roar
Make 'em scream
Take a fall
Run a wall
Split a seam
You start off by pretending
You're a dancer with grace
You wiggle till they're
Giggling all over the place
And then you get a great big custard pie in the face
Make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh
Don't you know... all the... wants...
My dad...
They'll be standing in lines
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines
Make 'em laugh
Make 'em laugh
Don't you know everyone wants to laugh?
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha
Make 'em laugh, ah ah!
Make 'em laugh, ah ah!
Make 'em laugh, ah ah!
Make 'em laugh!
Make 'em laugh!
Make 'em laugh!

"Make 'Em Laugh" ~ Singin' in the Rain (1952)
https://youtu.be/SND3v0i9uhE

Actually a quote from baseball great, Yogi Berra, I believe, :

“When you come to a fork in the road….take it.”

Rodney Dangerfield – I get no respect:

I was 8 years old – on my first airline flight with my parents.

We were traveling over the ocean.

My mother put my hat on and said “Go outside and play”

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's making headlines.

What's the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

Ripping this off from an Instagram Reel.

My wife asked me, "Have you seen the dog bowl?"
I told her, "No, I never knew he could."

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens...

I bought art on fine art america :)

Bread to the dough;

Don’t mind the baker. He’s just trying to get a rise out of you.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

ARTIST: I'd like your opinion on my painting.

CRITIC: It's worthless.

ARTIST: I know, but I'd like it anyway.

Dog owner: "The neighbors tell me you've been chasing people on bicycles!"

Dog: "They're lying, I don't even have a bicycle!"

Maybe an image can make you laugh - as this horse was laughing at me for taking his picture. :)

Spelling is hard... a couple of letters get messed up and your whole sentence is urined....

I'm thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it's only holding me back.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day , but I couldn't find any.

I got a booster shot recently because the doctor told me my laugh was contagious.

Hee Haw!

Why do doctors whack newborns on the bottom?

To knock the weenies off the smart ones! 0:)

Firstly, thank you all for making me smile this evening!

I must admit I do also like the occasional geek joke. Such as...

- There are 10 types of people in this world,
- Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

That joke’s a “10”!

Why don't they play poker in the jungle??

There are too many cheetahs.

Richard, please brush your horses teeth.
I have a toilet brush I can loan you.

Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.

What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?

Someday my prints will come!

Thank you! There are some real groaners here. Keep 'em coming as I like to start the day with a chuckle.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses, doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed over.

The other hunter whips out his phone and calls emergency services. He franticly gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Richard my husband has the binary t-shirt and I can tell you that apparently he and I are the only 10 people who get it around these parts, mostly he just gets tilted heads.

David - OMG, hahaaaa!

Susan, I have this t-shirt, another head-scratcher for most people...

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

LO Bky, I lv it!

Paul Lynde: "Hollywood Squares"

True or False?

Host: "A naked couple went over Niagra Falls in a barrel?"

Paul: "Yea, and they "Made it" all the way down!"

Rodney Dangerfield

"Yeah I get no respect, no respect I tell ya...

One day my wife, my wife... She said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car...

SHE WANTED ME TO DRIVE!"

"When I was born, I was so ugly the Doc slapped my mother." ~ Dangerfield, Rodney
"My dad carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet" " "
"I could tell my parents hated me; my bath toys were a toaster & a radio" " "

Here are some of my concoctions, I came up with, 10 years ago, when the topic was "An artist (s) Walked into a Bar"


Giacometti and el Greco walk into a bar, ordering their usual...The bartender exclaims, " Two tall ones coming up"

An artist walks into a bar, Says to the bartender, "Draw me a beer.....And it better be good....I have high standards..I'm a Photo-Realist."

Picasso walks into a bar..Orders a beer..Gives it back, claiming that the head looks strange.

A man walks into a bar..Sees Pollock standing there..Offers him a drink ...Pollock accepts, saying, "Gee thanks I just spilled mine"

A guy walks into a bar ordering a "Sun Downer" stating that he feels very "Turneresque" that night.

A cyber artist walks into a bar, ordering,. " 2 fingers of scotch..."Digitally" speaking that is.

A photographer walks into a bar claiming, "I'm in a hurry, so just a quick Schnapps Shot, please"

Worker;
Grab me my sandwich, will you?

Co-worker;
I don’t see any sandwich. Why don’t you get it yourself?

Worker;
I would, but you’re sitting on it.

Little known fact: back before crowbars were invented, crows simply drank at home.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

This should do it, from the master himself!

https://youtu.be/t7nsAMwl1T4

Man walking a horse: "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse."

Horse: "MOO"

On the tombstone of comedian Spike Milligan ... "I told you I was ill."

Why do laxatives always say, works gently overnight. What if I want something that works violently right now? ~ George Carlin

I knew a guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary ~ George Carlin

Whoever thought & let's give it up for Krysten Sinema... openly bi-sexual but a closeted Republican, that is progress! ~Trevor Noah @White House Correspondent's Dinner May 1, 2022.

What does the pirate steal in his free time? Arrrrrrt.

Marriage counsellor to husband: "Your wife says you never buy her flowers anymore, is that true?"

Husband: "Frankly, I never knew she was selling them."

A question and answer session with children on the subject of marriage.

Q. HOW DO YOU CHOOSE WHO TO MARRY?
A. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

Q.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
A. Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

Q. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
A. You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

Q. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
A. Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

Q. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
A. On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

Q. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
A. When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

Q. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
A. It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

Q. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
A. Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 9

I asked my new friend when their birthday was.
They said, "March first."
So I got up and walked around the room then asked them again.

Here's another "Artist Walks Into a Bar" joke, I thought of 7 years ago

A starving artist walks into a bar and orders a Tequila Sunrise

"What brand ?", the bartender asks.

Replying, "I can only afford the house brand, but I certainly would like, No , I NEED a Patron.

Teacher: what's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Student: I don't know and I don't care.
---
I'm an invertebrate punster. I'm spinelessly unable to resist a pun.
---
He has a photographic memory. But there's no film in the camera (perhaps this should be updated to "... but there's not image sensor [SD card?] in the camera"
--

The year is 20XX. Science has been pushed to the brink in a desperate effort to stave off rising global temperatures. Earth itself is dying. Deep within his lair, the ever-maddening Dr. Arvid McGregor VI is finishing his latest experiment: a massive ion shielding system. If successful, his device can be replicated to cover large swaths of the increasingly deadly sky, repelling excessive solar radiation and preventing the planet from becoming any warmer. Initial tests in a small-scale environment have proven successful. Tomorrow, the device will be unveiled for the world to see.

25 August. 09:12. Dr. McGregor VI arrives at the test site in Neo Alamos. An anxious crowd has gathered, clinging to this device as the last saviour of humanity. Camera flashes blind him as he makes his way to the podium.

09:30. Dr. McGregor VI meets with the President and other world leaders in a secure location at the test site. Outside, the ion shield is prepped for the first large-scale test. The President gives the doctor her best wishes as he heads out for the experiment.

10:34. The ion shield’s preparations have run longer than expected. Scientists assisting with the device’s activation have had trouble coordinating the guidance system for the ion beam. Without immediate corrections, the shield may not be able to be properly projected towards the atmosphere.

11:27. The device is checked again and readied. Large flashes of blue light erupt from the machine. The people are awed, their faith in science quickly restoring.

11:39. The beam is fired, projecting the shield into the sky. Solar radiation reduction beneath this translucent blue square is expected to be as much as 56%.

11:41. The beam begins to destabilize and wobble. Sirens blare and panic takes over the crowd as they attempt to evacuate. Dr. McGregor VI bites his lip.

11:44. A large explosion occurs as the projected ion shield dissipates. Scientists on the ground lose control of the device.

11:45. The machine blasts long streams of ion energy at random intervals. The beam is shooting in all directions, instantly killing many in the fleeing crowds.

11:47. A large blast fires across all of Neo Alamos, striking a shed several miles away in a suburban community.

11:49. The device explodes with the force of 5 megatons. Dr. McGregor VI survives unscathed by taking cover beneath a nearby school desk.

12:01. Dr. McGregor VI begins to regain his composure. The explosion has left nothing standing for miles, apart from regulation school desks. Nearby centres of human activity are decimated. Survivors wander in a stupor as their world burns around them.

12:13. A large earthquake occurs in the former suburban area struck by a blast from the machine earlier.

12:39. More earthquakes are reported northeast of the test site. They are somehow moving, and growing in intensity.

12:54. Emergency dispatch centres approximately 32 kilometres northeast of the test site are flooded with calls about a “monster” being sighted. Dr. McGregor VI, upon hearing this news by radio tuned to Civil Defence broadcasts at AM 640, rushes to the scene.

13:23. Dr. McGregor VI arrives at the location. The city is in ruins; large claw marks are seen against many of the partially standing structures. There is screaming in the distance.

13:40. Dr. McGregor VI witnesses the monster. A giant, god-like earwig is crawling through the city centre!

13:51: The earwig has destroyed much of the downtown area when Dr. McGregor VI arrives to study the beast more closely. He concludes that the burst of ion energy must have struck the arthropod, causing it to mutate and grow exponentially. Because of course it did.

13:55. The last known words of Dr. McGregor VI are heard over military radio: “It’s beautiful. Praise its pincers!”

18:00. A nationwide state of emergency is declared. Nuclear missiles are readied as the earwig continues to grow and heads towards the Midwest at an alarming speed.

18:12. A single missile is fired at the insect as it passes through the Oklahoma panhandle.

18:32. Military reports state: “No effect.”

26 August. 06:30. Scientists expect the earwig to destroy much of the Northeast within a 48-hour period. They give the Earth a mere week.

2 September. 10:03. Last known human transmission is made: “They’ve taken it all. God has fa…”. The transmission cuts to static.

Expedition to Planet Earth cancelled.
Returning to home base in sector Sigma-Z14. 

What's the similarity between a Alligator and Windows? A: Neither of them has enough bytes!

One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!


Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...


I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.


Even duct tape can't fix stupid.. but it can muffle the sound!


Every woman's dream man takes her in his arms, throws her on the bed and cleans the whole house while she is sleeping.

"Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight."
Blue sky at night, day.

[Humorist Tom Parry]

I take pictures of my pimples. Is zit art?

You know you are getting old when you get that 1 candle on the cake. It's like "See if you can blow this out". ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me, I quit". ~ Bill Maher

Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply. ~ Bill Maher

I like that in my audiences there is a lesbian couple sitting right next to a Mormon family. ~ Jim Gaffigan

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

Quatro Sinko


What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids

What do you call someone who keeps putting of mowing his lawn? A prograsstinator.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything"

--

The hot dog vendor says "That's $4.25"
The monk gives him $10.00 and after a few moments of awkward silence he says "where is my change?"
The hot dog vendor replies: "Change must come from within"

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician were one day out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right.
The statistician yells, “We got ‘em!”

The other day I came home with two black eyes and my wife asked me what happened

I said, well, I was waiting in line at the grocery store and I noticed that the dress of the lady in front of me got stuck between her butt cheeks.

I thought that must be uncomfortable so very carefully and with two fingers I pulled it out..

She turned around and without saying anything she whacked me!

I figured she didn't like what I did so I tucked it back in.....

Some angry guy just yelled out his car window at me...

"I'm gonna make your life a living hell!"

I yelled back

"Thanks but I'm not looking for a relationship right now!"




Patient to doctor: "I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles!"

Doctor: "Your next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster."

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber, "Is this whiskey?"
The other says "Yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."

Wrote this back when they had poetry threads on the forum.


PUN CITY

Somehow I ended up in pun city
Unfortunately I ran out of gas
On the highway overpass
Didn’t mean to stop
They all talk with puns
Here in pun city
Maybe it’s a law
you never know these days

eat hot dogs
on their famous
pun buns
just to name one

I gassed up at Pun Gas
A least the price was right
And they had a fun sign
Easy to find

Got my gas
Headed for the road
The sign said Pun Diner
I was a hungry man
It made me a fan
I was greeted with a pun
Seated with a pun
Given a menu with puns
Served by a waitress with nice buns
Ordered the pun on a bun

I needed a bathroom run
Read all the puns
On the bathroom walls and stalls
I was done
So dun
My brain was on overload
Ready to crack

The cashier gave me my change
With a thank you pun
She said I should stay for the event
The annual Pun Run Marathon
Run For Pun
There’s also stand up pun comics
every night at the Pun House
that’s alright I’m punned out
I’m getting the pun out of here
I was done as a turkey left to long in the oven
She said they do have a pun treatment center
And pun group therapy
That made a lot of sense

Back on the highway
I was so done with puns
The sign said

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY PUN CITY
HAVE A PUN DAY

Jim Taylor 3/3/2017

What do you call fish without eyes?

FSH

I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

I grew up in South Africa during apartheid, which meant that being of mixed race, you couldn't walk down the street with my white father. But it was acceptable for me to walk with my mother who was black. Just as long as the police didn't see us. Every time she saw the police, she would have to let go of me. Like, oh no, not mine, it's not mine, it was terrible.
I felt like a bag of weed. ~ Trevor Noah

Getting rid of high-capacity magazines makes perfect sense. The mass shooter in Dayton had a gun for hunting, that could fire 100 bullets before he needed to reload. I know people want guns for hunting, but if you need 100 bullets to kill a deer, maybe you should try fishing. ~ Trevor Noah

The 2nd amendment says we have a right to bear arms, not to bear artillery. ~ Robin Williams

If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. ~ Robin Williams

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes...

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

ATTIRE

What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable.

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.
He sprayed everything down and thoroughly cleaned it.
Today I am putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

Diner:
Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?

Waiter:
It looks like the backstroke.

This is an old joke I first heard on Monty Python about 45 years ago:

MAN 1: My dog has no nose.

MAN2: How does he smell?

MAN 1 Terrible!

Reason has been part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took advice from a talking snake. ~ John Stewart

Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So that when they return to port, they can... Scandinavian.



*groan*

Waiter, do you have frogs legs?
“Yes.”

1. Well hop in the back and get me a steak, wouldja?

2. Well wear long pants and nobody will notice.

3. ….

I used to know a hundred of these… what a drag it is, getting old.

Likewise elephant jokes.

Likewise “baby” jokes and “Mommy, mommy!” Jokes (gross).

Keep 'em coming...

Incidentally, "I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust."

I was concerned about my refrigerator. They assured me that it must be running.
I ran outside to try and catch it.

"It's windy today!"

"No, it's Thursday!"

"Me too, let's get a drink!"

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

---

Why do French light fittings contain only one light bulb?

Because one light bulb is ampoule.

"I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by." Bonnie McFarlane

A french man got a job as a waiter and on his first day the menu board said "Special today: lamb fries"

He didn't know what lamb fries were so the owner explained it to him.

The second day the board said "Special today: Calf fries"

The waiter was proud that he didn't have to ask what they were!

The third day the board said "Special today: French fries"

The waiter quit.

R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist...

The problem with doing nothing is…

It's so hard to tell when you’re finished.

- Anne Taintor

Laughing is good exercise. It is like jogging on the inside.
~Kurt Vonnegut
We could have saved the Earth, but we are too damned cheap.
~Kurt Vonnegut
- Following quote is not actually funny, but inspires I/m/h/o good feelings:
"Be soft, do not let the world make you hard, do not make the pain make you hate, do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness, take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."
~Kurt Vonnegut
Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.
~John Stewart

Two men sat down at a restaurant.
One told the waitress, I think I'll have the cows tongue.
The other man said, I'd never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth.
I'll have an egg.

https://fineartamerica.com/featured/an-opened-door-to-optimism-lucia-waterson.html

When chemists die, we Barium

Monday - Greg
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar...

Irish summer. This year it fell on a Tuesday.

Art student: I really don't like my own art very much.
Art teacher: That's very common.
Art student: Really?
Art teacher: Oh yes. Tons of people don't like your art.

Two guys were hunting in the woods. One of the hunters fell over grasping his chest, then he just was still.

The other guy called 911.

911 Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Hunter: My friend just fell on the ground and was grasping his chest...I think he may be dead.

911 Operator: Okay sir. Please remain calm. First of all, we have to make sure he's dead.

(the phone goes silent, then the operator hears a loud BANG!)

Hunter: Okay, now what?

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today.

I told them that was the last thing I need.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

Wife: "Where do you want to be buried?"
Husband: "Surprise me".
Old one liner from ~ Bob Hope

You might find a chuckle or two in my story, 'How to get out of bed in the morning'. https://medium.com/@rabhencorbett/how-to-get-out-of-bed-in-the-morning-ebcb457f0d86 Sorry, don't know how to make a clickable link

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with guitars from his very large guitar collection.

Judge: First offender?

Woman: No first a Gibson, then a Fender.

Groan... thank you all.

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

Hide Tide Relief :-)

I really had a bad day.

First my ex got run over by a bus.

Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
But how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

You know! If you can't spell ARMAGEDDON
it's not the end of the world!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

Diner:
Ill have eggs over-easy, bacon, and toast.

Waitress:
You didnt pay for the eggs you had the last time you were here.

Diner:
I thought you looked familiar.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger..... then it hit me.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and
suffering for years after it’s been eaten.
It’s Called a wedding cake.

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Floppe

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Acronym of the day: ROTFLSHMSFOAIDMT

Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard My Sombrero Falls Off And I Dropped My Taco.

What is orange, stringy with droplets of ketchup? The Donald's new toupee. (Have you noticed it lately?)

My friend went bald years ago, but he still carries around an old comb....

He just can't part with it.

David that is funny, "he just can't part with it". It's like his security blanket. Lol!

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...

I'll let you know.

Two antennas got married.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was amazing.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

My Sister has been making terrible bird puns to annoy me.....

But Toucan play that game

When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis!

Tonight were having Himalayan rabbit for diner.

We found himalayan in the road.

So, I used to be addicted to soap......

But, now I'm clean.

Name something red that is bad for your teeth.

A brick

Excuse me miss, these meatballs are a little rubbery.

- You know you’re at a tennis club, right?

Not just funny, but I think it is also true!

"A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions."

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"
The student replied, "It is obviously past."

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Why is Ireland the fastest growing country in the world?

Because it's Dublin.

A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, it’s really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be an extremely close landing!" The plane touches down on the ground, engages maximum breaks, and with screeching tires comes to a stop two meters from the end of the runway. “Whew” says the pilot, very relieved. "That was the shortest runway I’ve ever landed on!” The co-pilot looks out of the windows and answers: “Yes, but look how wide it is!”

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

What word starts with "E" and ends with "E" and has one letter in it?

Envelope.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down and I will make you pay... You have my Word!

What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

I wish I had a joke to share…
But wanted to say these have been cracking me up! Thank you for sharing these jokes everyone. :-)

Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raised both of them, he’d fall down.

Melania admits; "I call FBI" (Fears being buried in Golf Course) ~Bill Maher - Not News Satire

Diner:
I’d like pancakes in dinosaur shapes please.

Waitress: Aren’t you a little old for dinosaur pancakes?

Diner:
Yeah, you’re right. Turtles would be fine.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's this morning.

His mother was furious.

Officer to speeder: “Your eyes look a bit hazy you been smokin some of that wacky weed?” “No sir, but your eyes look a bit glazed you been eatin donuts?”

I started a new band called 999 Megabytes.

We still haven't got a gig.

Brilliant! Made me chuckle this morning again! Thanks everyone!

Boy: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad: "No sun."

How does an Englishman say goodbye eating a bowl of cereal?

Cheerio!

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me....

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

No images please. Image threads need to be approved by Admins.

One to start the week:

The road to success is always under construction.

How many times do you have
to click “I accept cookies”
before they send you cookies.

Try to imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie.

An artist lives next to a Marsh. Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art.
One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into
the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches
that quickly incapacitates all the robbers. "Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realized you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well, you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

Groan... thank you, all!

Funny, but, as I said before THIS IS NOT AN IMAGE drop.

Please stop posting images.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?

Babe Root.

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

What do you get when you cross an elephant with an octopus?

You get your funding cut and a visit from the Ethics Committee.

I was at the local fair, visiting the animals (rarely, usually this is my my St Francis husband thing)....
The Mama Cow was nursing... We're also a childless couple... So it was intriguing...
I uploaded my photos, made a triptych...

Almost posted it as Utterly...
Revised: Udderly Delicious!

Creativity as it flows out of my studio... GJ

I have a flat tire - I should have brought asparagus.

Beam me up Scotty

but after I get off the toilet...

"You know, I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me!"

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette

Patient:
Doctor, I can’t see!

Doctor:
Open your eyes.

Doctor: do you feel dizzy when passing water?
Patient: I did feel a bit wobbly when I went for a walk by the river at lunchtime!!!

What's the one thing you must do to have a successful party in space? Planet.

Which knight invented King Arthur's Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

Just found out the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

Ugh... thank you! ;-)

- What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
- A tire.

The cable guy asked me what time it was and I told him it was between 8 and 1.

I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

What's this "✌"?
A Roman ordering 5 more beers.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

Andy Warhol's 'Marilyn' sells for $195 million, setting record for American art.

Did a little mechanics work today
I put a rear end in a recliner.

What do you call a dog magician?

A Labracadabrador.

I was going to open a bakery, but I just couldn't raise the dough.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.

I told her that in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.

What do they call a colonoscopy in Italy?

An Inuendo.

(omg)

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, you're ugly too!

Dentist: What's the problem?

Moth: I'm a moth.

Dentist: Excuse me?

Moth: I'm a moth.

Dentist: Maybe you should see a psychiatrist not a dentist.

Moth: I went to the psychiatrist about an hour ago.

Dentist: Then what are you doing here?

Moth: Your light was on.

A woman gets on the bus
Bus driver says that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen
She walks to the back of the bus and tells a man
The man replies I’ll hold your monkey if you want to go talk to him

Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because Batman has sworn to protect Goth ham.

What do you call a singing dog who is leaving?

A La-la-la-brador Retreater

I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe...

Why did the fox cross the road?
.
..
…

Free chicken.

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal.... until the pressure got to him.

Whether I type in Arial or Helvetica, people still make font of me!

What's my best cursive action?

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

What’s the different between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws. A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

A friend and I were driving by the cemetery.
There was a large funeral happening.
Who ever it was for must have been quite wealthy.
I asked my friend “I wonder how much he left.”
My friend replied.

“ALL OF IT”

What was Picasso’s favorite fish?

Flounder

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

I thought my clothes drier was shrinking my clothes.... Turns out it was my refrigerator.

Come on, no advertising please! This is not a surreptitious image drop but a thread for retelling (bad) jokes.

For example,

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

That is a funny observation, Bill. :D

- A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
- The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats faster, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Why?

Because she smells like a new truck.

You've probably heard this one: Andy Warhol's 'Marilyn' sells for $195 million, setting record for American art.

The watchmaker was tightly wound.

I told him he needs to go digital.

Hansel and Gretel discovered the Ginger House
about 15 minutes after they discovered Mushrooms. ~ George Carlin

How come when its "Us" it's an abortion,
when it's a chicken it's an omelet? ~ George Carlin

Two people were strolling through an art show.
One said, there is a lot of good work here!

The other said, That’s right but there is some CRAP also.
For instance that large brown painting.

They walked a little closer.
You know it is actually really good use of browns
Not really crappy after all
They walked closer and read the title

ABSTRACT BROWN TURD

The one guy said I think I’ll buy that sucker.
$10,000 YES

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes and no matches or lighter.

What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

When I see names carved on a tree, I don't think its sweet, just surprised how many people carry a knife on a date.

I ponder how life without the internet was back then, then I just ask my 15 brothers and sisters, they don't know either.

What small animal do you often see on monastery grounds?

Chipmonks

)can you still read this?(

One more self-serving link and I'm closing this, which is a shame as I enjoyed many of the jokes.

:-(

I am just removing them for you

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Dont worry," said the doc, "Those are just contractions"

A genie granted me one wish and I wished to be happy...

Now I live with six dwarves and work in a mine.

I went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night...

Anonymous my butt, I knew everyone there!

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.

The nurse asked the rabbit "What is your blood type?"

The rabbit replied "I'm probably a type-o."

Man, who stole Viagra from Pharmacy is not a hardened criminal,
said his lawyer. Since judge did not want to go soft on crime,
he got a stiff penalty. (Please allow a little pun on naughtiness once in a blue moon)

I finally decided to do something about my OCD
Obsessive compulsive disorder
I joined a support group

We meet 10 times a day

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
(For all the members who took psychology in university)

Jean Paul Satre sit on a terrace of a Cafe in Paris and asks the waitress for a cup.of coffee with no cream. She says, I am sorry sir, but we are out of cream. How about no milk?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea… does that mean that 1 in 5 enjoy it?

Must be that colonoscopy guy or girl

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

I returned my lizard to the pet store today as it wouldn't stop telling me jokes.

The store clerk said "That isn't a lizard, it's a stand-up chameleon."

Jack:
What do you want to do today?

Jill:
I don’t know, but I’m not fetching a pail of water.

I walked into a chiropractors office
I told the girl at the desk
I need an adjustment

She asked body or attitude adjustment sir?
I thought for a minute and said how about both

- How do you like being an elevator operator?

- It has its ups and downs.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I contacted an analyst
I wanted to find out what type of personality likes my art work
When he got back to me he said they are personality type B
They are nice
Generous
honest
Like art

Don’t have any money

I thought no money!
I asked him with a glimmer of hope what is type B personality?
He said type B is Broke….

What are you writing?

A book about hurricanes and tornadoes...

...but right now, it's just a draft.

It's a fact that light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak...

You will never be as lazy as the guy who named: (these are silly but still a little giggle for you) the waterfall, or the fireplace, or the meatball, or mashed potatoes, or the fly (the insect, also one found on Pence's head at debate with Kamala that some thought it was funny.

My Mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils...

But, it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I was wondering why music was coming from my printer...

Apparently, the paper was jamming.

What does Jeff Bezos do every night before bed?

He puts his pajamazon.

I opened my front door to floating feathers and a tore up pillow
My dog had a sheepish look on his face

That’s it you’re going to the dog psychiatrist

He was told to lay down on the dog couch
The dog psychiatrist asked my dog if he tears things up because I leave
He let out a loud whimpering sound
The psychiatrist said he had SEPERATION ANXIETY DISORDER
He said I have 2 choices stay home or buy a whole bunch of pillows

I suddenly jumped up realizing I left my phone in the car
I can’t be without my phone ever!!
The psychiatrist told me you have PSAD
PHONE SEPERATION ANXIETY DISORDER

Tom Cruise's ex-girlfriend Penelope said the staff on her private boat could use it themselves.

It was Tom Cruise's Cruz's cruise crew's cruise.

Deputy: A truck hauling Worcestershire Sauce crashed.

Dispatcher: What's the situation?

Deputy: It's hard to say.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.

I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

Why can't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many Cheetahs!

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Why did the cactus cross the road?

..........because he got stuck to the chicken.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

"Okay, fifty bucks says your dog can't talk."

"You're on! Duke, what's on top of our house?"

I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue.

Which is odd because Australians usually boo meringue.

What did the Invisible Man say?

Let me be clear..

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning the game?

That's not allowed in bowling, I know that now.

Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.

Have you heard that exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

Woman - Do men still open car doors?

Man - How do you think we get inside?

What’s green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree?

A pool table.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

Silly joke: What kind of light did Noah use on the ark?
Flood Lights ~ Trevor Noah

So, you want to let him off easy for insurrection since he is no longer in power, that's like acquitting Jeffrey Dahmer because he is feeling full. ~ Stephen Colbert

Skeleton walks into a bar, "I'll have a beer and a mop, please,"

I went to a garden party.

I was the only one wearing a wide-brim hat and rubber boots.

Luckily no one knew my name.

Mario Andretti was a famous race car driver, but few knew about his brother, Ruff.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.....

I asked my 13 brothers and sisters, and they don't know either.

I thought I would make sure my wife woke up with a smile on her face this morning....

I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Napkin:
How’s it going?

Butter:
Good, I’m on a roll.

Things were going fine at church last Sunday until I thought it would be funny to replace the can of air freshener in the bathroom with an air horn.

Did you know Raymond Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack?

His name was Tim.

I just bought the world's worst thesaurus.
It was terrible, and also terrible.

My girlfriend doesn't want to date me anymore after learning I only have 9 toes...

She's lack toes intolerant.

What goes clip-clop clip clop bang bang?
An Amish drive by shooting.

(My last silly joke on here, pinky promise.)

Let's keep the slightly political jokes off the forum, thank you.

What is it called when someone mislabels a color? False ac-hue-sation.

I miss the days when I was a starving Artist
I would love to go back to those slim times

Now that I am successful I way 350 pounds
and can afford lots of fast food
I usually paint lying in bed with a long stick

Originally, they were going to make 2 Yogi Bears...

But, they made a Boo Boo.

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi

So, I was driving down the road when I suddenly disappeared into a portion of sour cream and chive.

I didn't see the dip in the road.

You should always knock before opening a fridge, just in case there's a salad dressing inside.

Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody Knows.

As we all know CATS CAN'T COUNT. He didn't know we had 2' of snow over night that had crused on top so he could walk on it, but not dive head long into it. We lived on a farm in Indiana and had a big 2' snow, I always feed the birds and this stray cat was in hiding up high just waiting to catch a bird. As I sit on my back porch photographing the birds feeding I was positioned perfectly to catch this cat leeping to what he thought was the ground but when he landed in the snow he went completely out of sight . I laughed so hard it brought my wife out of the house to see what was the matter. Enjoy a good laugh

An amoeba named Max and his brother
Were sharing a drink with each other;
In the midst of their quaffing,
They split themselves laughing,
And each of them now is a mother.

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

What's a lawyer's favorite drink?

Subpoena colada.

There once was a girl in the choir
Whose voice rose up hoir and hoir,
Till it reached such a height
It went clear out of seight,
And they found it next day in the spoir.

I know a guy who's reading a book about Henry Ford.

It's an Autobiography!!! :)

A man was walking thru the jungle.
He saw a lizard standing on its hind legs!

He said: Wow! You have tall lizards here!!!

But a local said: That ain't no lizard!
That's a standup chameleon!!!

What 2 letters of the alphabet are always jealous?

NV

I never make the same mistake twice… I make it about five times to make sure it really is a mistake.

What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?

She graded it.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels.

Where’s a pickle's favorite place to go in London?

Pickle-dilly Square

The person that invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella, but they hesitated.

I want to start a new diet. I just feel i have way too much on my plate right now...

What do you call an artist who gives off bad vibes?
-Sketchy…

What did the sushi say to the bumblebee?

Wasabi?

What is green and pecks at trees?

Woody Wood-pickle.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, no worries… a Chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.

Cosmetic surgery used to be a taboo subject, but now I can talk about it and nobody raises an eyebrow...

My best advise for saving money this approaching Thanksgiving.

Walmart has free turkeys if you can outrun the security guard !!!

What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

If you lose a sock in the dryer, it returns as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any containers.

An old schoolchild (UK) favourite:

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside down in a bowl of custard?
No.
See, it works.

"Rodney Dangerfield - Facebook"...

https://fb.watch/fCxZ-yO9Oo/


The great Rodney Dangerfield. One of my faves:

"My father never liked me. On my 6th birthday he gave me a bat. The first time I went outside to play it flew away".

Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because it's too far to walk.

Running feels great, unless you compare it to not running.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

What did Yoda say after seeing himself in HD?

HDMI

David - Your Yoda joke reminded me of a competition at "Hooters" a few years ago. The winner was promised a Toyota. What she got was a "toy Yoda"!

Too funny Brian...


Why didn't Joe buy camouflage pants at the store?

Because he couldn't find any.

A man thinks that his wife is losing her hearing.

He is getting very frustrated with her because of it, but she denies it when he confronts her about it. So one day he decides to set up an experiment to prove it to her.

He takes her out to the field behind their house and he places his wife at 100 yards away from him and shouts “Dolores!” He waits for her response, but nothing comes.

He moves 50 yards closer and shouts “Dolores!” Still no response from her.

Finally he moves 5 feet away from her and shouts “Dolores!”

“What?!” She cries “For the third time WHAT?!?”

I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal.

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can’t bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man," the bartender says, "I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Here, the first drink’s on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, "You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man for the information and continues to the bar and asks for a drink.

Predictably, the bartender says "Hey, you can’t bring dogs in here!"

The second man replies "But this is my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender immediately replies, "No, I don’t think so. They don’t use Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and then replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

A man was riding on the bus and reading an article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "Have you tried mouthwash?"

One day a rabbit watched a crow high up in a tree, just sit and do nothing for hours. The rabbit asked the crow, "may I just sit and do nothing like you are doing?" The crow replied, "Of course you can!" So, the rabbit sat on the ground under the tree and did nothing. After a short time, a fox came along and ate the rabbit.

The moral of the story is: You can only get away with sitting and doing nothing if you are very high up.

A guy walks into a bar, and says "OUCH!"

An overweight time traveler goes to ancient Rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake, he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and sees they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk "Do you have XL togas?"

The clerk replies "Well, yes. But why do you need so many?"

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

When he asked them to name the world’s best composer, they all said, “Bach Bach Bach!”

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

I've got a joke about Yoga... but it's not really working out.

How do you do the hokey pokey if you’re a millipede?

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot in, you put your right foot in, you put your right foot in, you put your right foot in, you put your right foot in, you put your right foot in, you put your right foot in, you put your right foot in…

What's Forest Gump's password?

1forest1

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 millipede = 1 centipede
* 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
* 10 monologues = 5 dialogues
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.

I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off.

Too much sax and violins.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

"Your underwear is too tight and revealing.", I said to my wife.

She replied, "Wear your own then!"

A book just fell on my head.

I only have my shelf to blame.

"Doctor, the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment."

"Tell him I can't see him."

You do realize that vampires aren't real.

Unless you Count Dracula.

A guy goes to the doctor with a carrot stuck in his nose. He's got a stalk of celery in his other nostril and a banana in his ear.

He says, "Doc, I don't feel so good."

The doctor says, "Well, no wonder… you're not eating right."

The inventor of the throat lozenge died last month... there was no coffin at his funeral.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality

I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn't work out.

As it turns out, good players are really hard to find.

How do you know a donkey is laughing?

HE HA HE HA HE HA

What did the nut say while chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew.

I rode into the comedy club on my donkey.
When I do my routine and no one laughs.
My donkey in the back lets out his loud HE HA HE HA laughter.
It triggers a huge laughter from the crowd saving my act.
I would be nothing without him.

Why did the old man fall down the hole in his garden?

Because he couldn't see that well.

English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"Aye Matey!"

A farmer said to me "I have 68 sheep. Can you help round them up for me?"

I said "Sure… 70."

What do you call a stupid fish?

A dumb bass

What's the difference between a biscuit and a monster?

You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.

Employee:
What would you like?

Customer:
Anything cold on tap. Surprise me.

Employee:
This is a dairy bar.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, what happens?

UCLA

There's a woman in the park selling batteries...

She sells C cells by the see-saw.

Keep 'em coming...

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier.

Fortunately, only one crow showed up.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

Have you read
Yellow River by
I P Freely

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

The fitness trainer asked me, "What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?" I said, "Diddly."

Do you know what happened while I was sitting in traffic the other day?

I got run over.

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.

So he calls emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator says, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he says, "But that would explain the suitcase."

What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

Do you know why the artist's brush needed to see a doctor?

Sorry I want to delete it

A guy walks into a bar and asks, "Who is the strongest guy in here?"

The toughest guy gives him a hard stare and says, "I am the strongest guy around here!"

The other guy says, "Oh, good! Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

Does anyone need an ark?

I Noah guy.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Before the invention of the wheel.....

Everything was a drag.

Please note THIS IS NOT AN IMAGE THREAD

Bonnie, you have added that image to this thread twice.

Rules, eh? Not all people follow them.

There are 2 important rules in business.
1. Don't tell people everything you know.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?

A shoe

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburetor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburetor from the radiator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor," she insisted.

"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

I ate too much middle eastern food....

Now I falafel.

How much does a social media influencer weigh?

An Instagram

Who says "Oh Oh Oh"?

Santa walking backwards.

What do you call a walking stick that makes Grandma walk faster?

A hurricane

What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time?

The shovel

What is a Witch's favorite subject in school?

Spelling

Two lions are strolling down an aisle in a supermarket.

One says to the other, "It's awfully quiet in here today, isn't it?"

I have not been saying anything in here but OMG this thread is the BEST

Soooooooo cool and most (not all) jokes get shipped on to my family WhatsApp

Cool! So glad you're enjoying it! :-)

*** In a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs…

*** Safari park sign: Elephants, Please Stay In Your Car.

*** Conference sign: For anyone who has children and doesnt know it, there is day care on the 1st floor.

*** Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

*** Outside a second-hand shop: We Exchange Anything - Bicycles, Washing Machines, ETC. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

HEADLINES:
*** Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers — Now that seems a bit extreme!

*** Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant — Fair trials are sooo last year!

*** Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over — Wow, talk about dedication!

*** Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead — Seriously?!

I’ve decided to put all my eggs in one basket so I don’t look daft walking around the supermarket.

Thank you, Abbie for your kind words and to every other contributor, too.

I started this on a "black dog day" and it cheers me up no end to keep coming back for a chuckle!

One from the great Joan Rivers:

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it."

Keep 'em coming

And of course..

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

— George Carlin

LOL! These are so good. I can't think of anything. Just thank you so much for making my day brighter! =)

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

Have you noticed that people are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow...

I stopped for coffee this morning. As soon as I walked in it felt like everyone was staring.

You must have went to Starebucks.

A termite walks into a Pub and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

A horse walks into a bar.
The bar tender says "Hey"
The horse says "Sure!"

Why did the melons have a big wedding?

Because they cantaloupe.

I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's something I can really see myself doing.

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

"It's not you, it's a-me!"

Q) Why are mathematics textbooks always unhappy?


A) They have so many problems.

Q) Why was the strawberry late for work?








A) He was in a traffic JAM!

What is green and not heavy?

Light green.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

Did you see the documentary about beavers?

It was the best dam show I ever saw!

What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here. I'll go on ahead.

What do horses say when they fall down?

"I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up :-( "

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off

*snort.... Fireworks day is coming up in the UK so that's perfect, Nina

Who ever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

I just paid for a boat ride to a magic-themed Renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.

It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.

My wife kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

But don't worry,

I'll be back.

What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms.

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...
George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

What is the derivative of Amazon?

Amazon Prime

What do you call a donkey on a unicycle?

A wheel-burro.

Thank you! Keep 'em coming.

Say this one-liner earlier today that seems pertinent in today's world:

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

A couple of counterfeiters make a mistake one time and end up with a batch of $15 bills.

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We’ll go to Dunceville. They're so dumb there, they won’t know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas.

The guy at the counter looks a little simple-minded.

"Hey can you break a 15 dollar bill for me?" one of them says.

"Oh, sure, no problem," the cashier says.

The counterfeiters grin at each other.

"I told you so," the one whispers to the other, and they fist bump.

Then the cashier says to them, "So, do you want an 8 and a 7, or two 3s and a 9?"

How do you get a person to read a book on reverse psychology?

By telling them not to read it.

Whoever invented dentures missed out on calling them …

Substitooths

I was driving to the airport to catch my flight when I saw a sign that said: "Airport Left".

So I turned around and went home.

It wasn't funny when he dropped the jar of honey.
Thanks for helping me clean it up honey.

If two vegetarians get into a fight, is it still a beef?

Why do koi only travel in groups of four?

It's to protect against predators. When they're attacked, Koi A, B, and C travel in one direction.

The other one is the D koi.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

It's butt

Why are alligators long and green?

Because if they were short and red, they would be tomatoes.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

Why do you tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

Q: What’s a pirate's favorite letter?

(Wait for them to say Rrrrrr)

A: Yarr, yee'd think so, but me first love be the C!

Nay, it be P, for without it, a pirate be only irate.

The eye surgeon leads his patient to his office to discuss the completed surgery....

The surgeon asks, "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

The patient says, "The good news!"

The surgeon says, "You're about to get a new dog."

What's yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?

A bulldozer.

Q: What did Vincent van Gogh say to his good friend?

A: "I'll lend you an ear."

How is a robot frog held together?

Rivets.

Q) What is a Word Botcher?

A) A dyslexic ornithologist.

---
Yup - it says so right here: https://www.orioles.org/what-is-a-word-botcher/

What does a subatomic duck say?

Quark Quark

What did the skeleton say when it arrived at the doctor’s office?

Sorry I’m late.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

I ate a clock yesterday.

It was very time consuming.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, but it's only mild.

Teacher: Mary Ann, go to the map and find North America.

Mary Ann: Here it is.

Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class: Mary Ann

Today I saw a lady talking to her cat like the cat understood her.. I came home & told my dog & we laughed a lot.

I’d like to go to Holland someday. Wooden shoe?

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000.

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy, and a hot dog.

Why did the toilet paper roll downhill?

To get to the bottom.

Q: Why do witches wear jewelry?

A: So you can tell which witch is rich.

What is the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

How do Romans cut their hair?

With Ceasars

I got an email saying "At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards", and I thought… That’s just spam.

Why was the math teacher late for work?

She took the rhombus.

When they asked the man who had an artificial ear made from pig tissue whether he hears any better now,

He just said he yeah, it's fine but I get a little bit of cracklin' from time to time...

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Donald: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.

A slice of pie costs $1.50 in Jamaica and $2.00 in the Bahamas.

Those were the pie rates of the Caribbean

Groan... keep 'em coming, please. I needed these this wet and foggy morning.

How do you make a net?

You sew a bunch of holes together.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?

Someday my prints will come.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree! We’re saved!” He runs to the tree and is immediately shot up with bullets.

Turns out it wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.

Where do cows like to go on vacation?

To the Moo-lawn Rouge.

Did you hear about the witch that got really angry while on her broom?

She flew off the handle.

If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut!

What did one DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"

A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits.

"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"

"Eventually," said the consultant, “she will rise and shine."

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment

There was a young lady of Lynn,

Who was so excessively thin.

That when she assayed,

To drink lemonade,

She slipped through the straw and fell in.

"Don't ask a barber if you need a haircut"

Teacher: Give us a sentence beginning with "I".

Student: I is....

Teacher: Stop there, you need to begin with "I am".

Student: Okay... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Why did the traffic light turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

What time did you go to the dentist?

Tooth Hurty

I threw my phone off the roof and it broke.

I guess the airplane mode wasn’t working.

In Athens, No one wakes before Noon.

Why is that?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said:

Sorry, my fault.

Husband Says, For the last 30 years, all you've done is find fault with everything I say.

Wife Replies, Its been 32 dear...

I asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of a crying baby next to me.

It turns out you can’t do that if the baby is yours.

How many ears do extraterrestrials have?

The right ear, the left ear and the final front ear.

The human brain is a wonderful thing.

It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Isaac Newton:
I just got bonked on the head by an apple!

Colleague:
What’s the big deal?

Isaac Newton:
You don’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn't peeling well.

How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

Bankteller: Your account is overdrawn.

Me: Well, so are your eyebrows but here we are.

What do you call a wizard that has run out of spells?

A was-ard.

I asked my grandma "what's good for an ear ache"? she said, "stop listening to bullshit"!

Meteorologists have weighed rainbows and found out…

They’re pretty light.

I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza!

I guess I should have used aloha temperature.

Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?

A cockerpoodledoo.

What happens when a frog's car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person who upset you.

Patient: "Doctor, help me I'm addicted to Twitter!"

Doctor: "I'm sorry, I don't follow you..."

My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

A man with authority walks into a bar.
He orders every one a round.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey!"

The horse says, "You read my mind!"

Most people are absolutely shocked when they find out how terrible I am as an electrician.

Why didn’t anyone trust the pyramid?

It was always up to some kind of scheme.

Are you a believer in creamy winter holiday drinks?
Or are you an eggnogstic...

When I wrecked my last car, I finally solved the mystery of whether or not a Mercedes bends.

i asked my doctor whats good for a broken nose, he said a baseball bat, knuckle duster, steel capped boot

What do you call someone who immigrates to Sweden?

Artificial Swedener.

Why did the hot dog spill the beans?

It was tired of being grilled.

Uncle Johnny joined an Elevator company.

He got quite high up in the end...

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

Not all who wander are lost.

Most of them are just looking for coffee.

Why did the barometer leave?

It didn’t like the atmosphere and couldn't take the pressure.

How often do I like jokes about the elements?

Periodically

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system… “Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Your cat seems very fussy.

Yes, he’s a little purrsnikitty.